Yesterday (11th March) in the UK was mother’s day, a day to celebrate the woman who brought you up. A day of Flowers, breakfasts in bed, and homemade cards from Little ones.
I read posts online with an outpouring of love and laughter. Some of grief for mothers not with us. Some of love for the women in their lives.
Reading these pulls at my heart strings. I sent my mum and grandma a gift and a card each. I spent time choosing them, and made sure they were posted on time. We did the same for L’s mum, however accompanied with some flowers, as no need to post them.
But one thing I don’t have with my mum is a close relationship. It is strained. We both know that. We talk once to twice a week on the phone and message in between photos and titbits from our days. But never anything serious and never in great detail. It’s a very iceberg like relationship, we only discuss what is on the surface.
Since I left home our relationship has changed more and more with each passing year. It wasn’t great even then. We didn’t speak at all for a number of years. But as much as it sounds sad, it works for us to stay at arms length.When I have visited,I realise the distance between us, how different we are. How much my life and how I feel has changed.
However much I want to have that best friend type relationship, we aren’t the right people for it.
It is nobody’s fault. I haven’t been an angel daughter, I was a teenage nightmare, a child worry, and I could lie better than a world war 2 spy rather than face a lecture on my teenage exploits.
My parents have always wanted their best for me. They both worked hard, and struggled for money, but made sure I went on holidays and to different sports clubs. They bought me everything I ever wanted. But emotionally there was a void, that turned into an unclosable chasm. That has left sometimes an emotional mute.
my dad and me are no different, I recognised that my anxiety began when I saw my dad walking for the bus to work in the rain, I felt bad that he had to do that. I used to sit up and wait for him to come back from his nightshift, worrying, purely that he went to work to provide for me.
But one thing we haven’t had is an emotional relationship. One thing I have inherited is a very large internal box I’m which I keep all feelings, until they spill out!
Since I started seeing a Councillor, it helped me to empty the box, I saw things and felt things I realised I had hung onto ever since my Memory began.
My parents will obviously always be my parents, but I know it is highly unlikely we will ever get to the stage where we can chat like friends, and I’m OK with that. I know I protect myself, and I do that by closing my doors.
Days like today, just make me realise that there are more than just two colours in a rainbow!
How do you feel about mothers day?
Love Sooz x